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Jokes til havnesnak


A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"Arrh – Not at ‘tall." the pirate replies, "I be fine." The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Arrh!," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg. But the surgeon fixed me up, and I be fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Aye," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me hand was cut off. But the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I be feeling great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Arrh," says the pirate, "One day when I was swabbing me deck, some gulls were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them--arrgh, he, pooped--in me eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from that!"
"Well," says the pirate, "'Twas me first day with me hook.”

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A pirate and his parrot, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a Genie came forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving any thought to the matter the pirate blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into rum!" The Genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest rum ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the Genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of rum on the hull broke the stillness as the two considered their circumstances.
The parrot looked disgustedly at the pirate and after a tension-filled moment spoke: "Now yee've done it!! Now we're goon to have to pee in the boat!"

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A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "I came upon a gang of macho pirates who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest, meanest, nastiest one. I smacked him on the head, knocked the parrot off his shoulder, ripped out his ear ring and threw it on the ground and told him, 'Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.'"
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?" The man replies, "Just a couple of minutes ago..."

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A recreational boater, a tugboat crewman, and an old salt sailor went into a bar and each ordered a beer. Each found a fly in their beer.
The recreational boater looked in his beer and said, "hey bartender I have a fly in my beer. Give me another beer."
The tugboat crewman looked in his beer, found the fly, reached in an picked it out and continued drinking.
The old salt sailor looked in his beer, saw the fly, grabbed it by the wings, shook it over the glass and yelled, "Spit it out, Spit it out!"

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Dreng1: Der var engang en sørøver med et træben, der hed Smith.
Dreng2: Hvad hed så det raske ben?

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Definitioner på forskellige sømandsudtryk:

Dørk: Gulvet inde i båden.
Dæk: Gulvet uden på båden.
Ræling: Bådens kant, sidste kontakt inden man falder overbord.
Luvart: Bør man ikke spytte eller pisse i.
Bompressenning: Opsamlingssted for mågeskidt.
Tamp: Snor til at fastholde båden med.
Klyds: Holder tampen på plads, gør ondt at få storetåen i.
Anker: Jernskrot som skulle have siddet i tampen inden den blev smidt i vandet.
Kompas: Usædvanlig dumt sted at opbevare sprit i. Kan også bruges til at finde og påsejle grunde med største præcision.
Ruf: Rum til opbevaring af skrutryggede og på anden måde vanskabte mennesker.
Vandlinien: Bør ikke være over ruffet - undtagen på ubåde.
Flagspil: Anordning til hurtig kasterering af mænd på agterdækket.
Køje: Underdimensioneret soveplads i båd, hvori friske mennesker bliver vanskabte. Kan med en vis vanskelighed også anvendes til at lave nye mennesker i.
Søkort: Kort over vand, som muliggør indetificering af den nys påsejlede grund.
Grund: Fleksibel forhøjning af havbunden.
Sluse: Elevator til både. Forvandles fredag aften til et åbent dårehus.
Ror: Udstyrsdetalje der muliggør fejlnavigation.
Kølsvin: Svinet under dørken.
Kaptajn: Svinet over dørken.
Sejl: Tøjlads til hurtigt at få væltet båden.
Mast: Lynafleder belemret med liner og andet bras.
Bom: Liggende mast, sædvanligvis årsag til hjerneskader.
Bøje: Flydende fortøjning: Medvirker til at blodkar i hjernen brister.
Bådshage: Kæp med en krog i. Kommer sædvanligvis til anvendelse når 3 promille overskrides. '

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Hvorfor man siger HUN om et skib...

1. Må styres af en mand.
2. I ubevogtede overblikke tager hun magten.
3. Tåler ikke overbelastning.
4. Skifter navn når hun skifter ejer.
5. Er i almindelighed dyr at rigge til.
6. Koster mere i underhold end ejeren havde tænkt sig.
7. Kan trække en mand med sig i dybet.
8. Må males og rigges til inden hun går ud.
9. Bliver med årene svær at håndtere

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Den tid man bruger på at sejle tæller ikke..

 



Sidst opdateret:  20:29 23/09 2014
 

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